Fantasy/Adventure: Introduction

Posted by on Dec 30, 2011 in Fantasy/Adventure | 0 comments

Baron4

“When we make films, we are building castles in the clouds.”
– Max Ophüls

Dear equine community (aka all you horses),

We – that is, the film-going public – would like to submit this as a formal apology. For too long you’ve been the butt – or perhaps more suitable in this case, ass – of fantasy and adventure films. At Hollywood’s very best, you’re doomed to a life of sidekick-ism. The noble steed to the white knight. Bound to serve their equestrianism. Even when you’re in the limelight, in such pictures as Black Beauty or National Velvet, the top-billing goes to some fresh-faced child actor that will follow their performance with a dozen others like it, while you, the muscle of the operation, are retired and spend your remaining days either for breeding, grazing in an enclosed tourist attraction, or as a few tubs of glue. But a far more likely scenario, especially nowadays in the heyday of fantasy trilogies, is being hired en masse for fantasy epics. We all know the scene. We’ve seen it dozens of times before. The two sides prepare for battle, gathering their troops with you out in front, in war paint and drapery that hides your identity so even relatives can’t recognize you on screen. And judging by the amount of anxious hoofing of the ground before charging, you probably have to (excuse the expression) piss like a racehorse. This ritual plays out dramatically, and the climax eventually comes with the traditional charge. And as cannons, catapults, and archers unleash their ammunition, who is just as likely – nay (not the horse sound), far more likely – to be injured in this act? Whinny all you want, but that’s the genetic card we seem to have drawn for you horses that are too pretty for racing or farm work. And if you do whinny too much, watch out, because filmmakers aren’t above recasting your character in CGI. I’ve seen it before, and it’s not pretty … Even if the dye was toxic, those colorized “horses of a different color” from Wizard of Oz got better treatment than that. So all you broncos, colts, fillies, mustangs, mares, nags, stallions, and steeds – again, we’re sorry.

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